From Chronic Pain to Passion

Barbra Streisand sang these famous words: “People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world…”

The truth is that we all need people. We need connection with other human beings.

Do you ever find yourself wondering why you’re feeling down or lethargic or symptom-y, and then out of the blue, a friend reaches out to connect with you, and you realize that you’ve been starved for human connection and you didn’t even notice it?

Three years of living in a pandemic-affected world has normalized social isolation. But for folks who have long struggled with chronic symptoms, social isolation may have already been the norm.

If you relate to this, you may have noticed that symptoms often prevent you from connecting with others socially. What we often don’t notice — until it hits us — is how social isolation can exacerbate symptoms because of the toll that it takes on our emotional wellbeing.

We are designed to be social beings. Even when comfort and safety feels like hiding from the world and avoiding other people, social isolation can be perceived by our nervous system as a threat to our survival. And since the nervous system is capable of firing off pain sensations and other symptoms as a danger alarm, social isolation can contribute to chronic symptoms.

At the same time, social connection can be a deeply important component to recovery. In fact, when I get responses to these weekly blog posts, the thing I hear most often is that people feel less alone when they read them. If that’s the case for you, I’m so very honored to be part of your web of social connection!

WHY WE SELF-ISOLATE

In order to start shifting out of social isolation, it’s helpful to examine the very understandable reasons why we might self-isolate when we’re experiencing symptoms. For example:

• When the people around you don’t understand what you’re going through, it’s hard to feel connected to them. Feeling misunderstood is stressful, so it might feel safer to be alone.
• Many folks like you and I who are prone to chronic symptoms were raised to be people-pleasers and empaths. We may have been conditioned to feel other people’s emotions and to have difficulty setting boundaries. This can make social situations overwhelming and stressful — which can actually trigger symptom flare-ups.
• As people pleasers, we may feel guilty for cancelling plans or leaving a get-together early due to a symptom flare-up. And since guilt is stressful, and stress triggers symptoms, the guilt can perpetuate even more symptoms. So, to avoid feeling guilty, we may stop making plans altogether.

FINDING SAFETY IN CONNECTION

With all of these reasons to hide out in a cave alone with a book and cup of tea, why, you might ask, is it even worthwhile to seek out connection — especially since social stress can trigger symptom flare-ups?

The key is to find safety in social connection. Because, while social stress can trigger flare-ups, long-term isolation can perpetuate long-term symptom patterns. Avoiding social contact as a long-term strategy is kind of like having an allergy to an essential nutrient: We can’t restore our wellbeing without it. So, we need to find ways of integrating social connection into our lives that feel good and safe!

But how do we safely socialize when we’re experiencing a period of symptoms? Here are some tips:

• Explain to your loved ones what you’re experiencing — the physical and emotional challenges of your symptoms — so that they can understand and empathize better. If they are open and willing to listen, this will build a greater sense of connection and will reduce the stress of trying to hide what you’re going through.
• Not everyone will get it, so you may need to start becoming more selective about who you hang out with. You won’t find safety in trying to connect with people who are dismissive of your symptoms or who overreact to your symptoms. And certainly not with people who lay guilt or blame on you about symptoms. But safety can be experienced in connecting with folks who are generally warm, understanding and calmly reassuring (even if they’re not always perfect at it!)
• When making plans, first lay the groundwork that you may have to cancel or leave so that you don’t have to worry or feel guilty about it. Worry and guilt contribute to stress, and you don’t need that!
• Feeling trapped in a social situation is a stressful feeling and a common symptom trigger. To avoid feeling trapped, make plans with clear time-limits and make it somewhere where you can easily get home if you need to.
• Intentionally choose activities to do together that feel enjoyable and safe for you. This eliminates the stress of going along with plans that don’t feel fun or safe and trying to power through it. Powering through and ignoring how you feel emotionally is a common trigger for stress and symptoms.
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• Make new friends who really understand the journey you’re on and who are encouraging! If you don’t know anyone in your community that you can relate to, a great place to find people is online. You can meet others who are on the mind-body healing path by attending online courses and joining online groups. For example, when you enroll in any of my online courses, you also get access to my private Facebook community of like-minded folks. And there are plenty of other options out there, including Curable Groups, The Curable Community, JournalSpeak with Nicole Sachs, Tell Me About Your Pain Community with Alan Gordon, and more.

CONNECTING WITH OTHERS DURING A FLARE-UP

The most challenging time to reach out and connect is when we’re having a symptom flare-up. But connection can be an incredibly powerful nervous system soother during a flare-up!

So here are some tips for connection during the most difficult times:

• When you have a period of relative ease, take some time to identify one or a few people you feel safe with who you can reach out to during a flare-up. Ask them if they would be open to you reaching out, and if they say yes, you might give them a script of what to say to help your nervous system calm down during a flare. Have them say things that are acknowledging and reassuring, like: “This is really hard right now, but you’re going to get through it. I’m here for you.”
• If verbal communication becomes difficult during flare-ups, identify safe people who you can ask to be present with you in a nonverbal way while you’re having a flare-up. This might mean cuddling or just sitting next to you with a comforting, calm presence. And if there are no safe-feeling humans available for this, a furry friend or even a plant friend can offer a soothing and connecting presence!
• Connect with your chosen people by phone or text — whichever is more comfortable during a flare-up — if it’s too uncomfortable or inconvenient to get together in person.

I hope these tips are helpful. And if you felt connected to these words, I’d love to hear what resonated!

➡️ If you need support with chronic pain and anxiety, take my FREE QUIZ called “Why the *bleep* am I still in pain?!” so I can help you get some clarity.

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